During our Genius Unlocked ICF mentorship call last week, one of our student coaches expressed that his client was blaming her thoughts, emotions, and behaviors on other people, and that this blaming caused him, the coach, to feel stuck. He wanted to allow the client the opportunity to shift to taking responsibility and see different choices; yet the client was unable to see her responsibility because she was hyper focused on her story.
The client was shaming and blaming her husband for not hearing her, yet she came to coaching because she was disconnected from her husband. Throughout the coaching process the client realized a pattern that she had received from her parents. She noticed that her parents didn’t hear her or have the time to have fun with her, and that they just “got through life.”
She realized this pattern in her own life when she herself was “just getting through life.” One month she felt like she was just “getting through” the problems at her job; the next several months she was just “getting through” the death of her parents; the last few months were about just “getting through” Covid-19; and more recently she felt like she was just “getting through” the house remodel. Through the coaching process, she was able to realize that she was disconnected from people and that consequently she didn’t feel heard. If your client is stuck blaming a certain person or situation for their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, here is a simple process that allows the client to shift from blaming to ownership.
Once the coach knows the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors arising for the client, the coach can remove the client’s focus away from the situation. In this example, the client thought she was just getting through life and was not being heard by her husband, which led her to feeling sad and frustrated, resulting in her shutting down. She was stuck blaming the husband for not listening, and was unable to see how she could have any other choice besides frustration and silence. Yet once the coach has the pattern, he or she can then disconnect the emotions from the situation in order for the client to observe the pattern. First, an excellent coach will acknowledge, validate, and normalize the clients’ behaviors. Then the coach can ask, “Where else in your life are you ‘just getting through life’ and left feeling unheard, sad and frustrated?” This question: “Where else in your life” allows the client a safe way to remove his or her focus from the presenting situation. The client may then say things like, “I feel like I’m always ‘just getting through life’ and I feel unheard by my boss, my coworkers, my family, and my friends.” The coach now has more information about the client feeling unheard; in addition, the client was able to dissociate from the situation, allowing more room for her to shift from blaming others to reflecting on her pattern.
Once the coach has the answer to “where else in your life,” the coach may also ask the question, “When was the first time you…?” This particular question allows the client to go inward in order to remember the first time he or she ever experienced a particular thought or emotion. Going inward allows the client to shift from outward focused, to inward reflection, a very important step in the coaching process. Let’s say in this example the coach asked his client “when was the first time you felt unheard, sad, and frustrated?” The client would then remember an earlier memory and might say something like, “when I was four and I was crying but no one seemed to notice or care.” This shift in direction now gives the coach an opportunity to ask more questions about this situation, and how the “uheard, sad and frustrated” might actually be a pattern for the client due to earlier memories. When the coach is able to get down to the first experience, the coach can now ask the client, “what would you have wanted instead?” The coach will ask the client for the new thought, the new emotion, and the new behavior and then apply the learnings to the current situation.
Next time your client is stuck blaming other people or a particular circumstance for their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, remember that as the coach, you can provide the space for the client to go inward. First, find the exact thought, emotion, and behavior coming up for your client. Remember to acknowledge, validate, and normalize the client’s behaviors. Shift the client away from this particular situation by first asking the client where else in their life. And lastly, ask the client when was the first time they experienced this, so that the client can remember an early memory. Once you have successfully taken the client inward, continue with the coaching process that allows the client to successfully shift to ownership, responsibility, and choice.
